hollow

Lately, I've been struggling with my self-identity quite a bit. It's something that's always kind of been a thing for me, and I've always looked to my favorite media to help me sort that out. Probably not the healthiest thing to do, but I don't really know how else to do it.

I've been really invested in Genshin lately. My favorite characters and the types I usually flock to. Diluc, Childe, Itto, Alhaitham, Ayato. And while I recognize that none of them will be the perfect "THATS ME" nor would I necessarily want them to, as well as recognizing that it makes more sense to be all of them at once in various ways, figuring out who I can kind of latch onto to help explore MYSELF is quite difficult.

Diluc I think is the closest match, but I even find myself straying from him. I'm not sure if its because he's so close to me that it makes me nervous, or because of the way fandom as a general whole treat him, or simply because he's been a fave for the longest and I crave something different. He's got that stoic, almost unapproachable and intimidating nature to him, but once you get to know him, he opens up and can be quite cheery under the right circumstances. He doesn't drink, but still seeks the praise from others through his creations. I think what gives me the most pause about him is his sense of justice and retribution. I don't really have that. If anything, I'm the one committing the wrongdoings. I don't find myself particularly worthy of enacting any kind of justice- that it'd be hypocritical. I'm sure theres more I could say about Diluc, but I'd rather this not turn into a 10k word essay lol.

With Childe, I think I fit his general disposition better? Maybe, I'm not entirely sure. I can never seem to tell how I appear to others on the regular, whether its the quiet stoicism or the more cheerful nature like Childe, actually. But Childe is more friendly and open, but gets quite dangerous under the surface. A sort of villain hiding in plain sight type situation, though everyone knows he's a villain, even if he helps the Traveler. He has his own agenda and fights mostly for himself- but at the same time, regularly displays what appears to be selfless acts. It's been a while since I've played/watched through any content with him, so maybe I'm misremembering but that's the vibe I got.

With Itto, its just his loud, bold carefree nature. I'm sure I was more like him when I was younger, when I hadn't been beaten down by life and myself and my own actions quite so much. Ayato and Alhaitham are the least like myself, I think in terms of general personality and motives, but they still remain faves.

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to achieve with this post. I am not entirely sure if this helped or only made me more confused. Maybe its more detrimental for me to try to latch onto a character, but I feel so floaty and unlike myself when I don't have something like that to fall back onto.

Blegh.